


Our Love is So Alive

by all_the_ships_are_sailing



Category: Big Brother RPF
Genre: M/M, Song fic, TW:Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 09:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4054831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_the_ships_are_sailing/pseuds/all_the_ships_are_sailing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trigger Warning: Suicide</p><p>This is a song fic. The lyrics to the song are posted after the fic, because they'd sort of give away the ending if you read them first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Love is So Alive

Zach was sitting alone in the living room of the house he still shared with his parents and younger brother. He was nearly 30 and still had never had a steady girlfriend. The closest he ever got was nearly 6 years prior in the summer of 2014. He was one of the most beloved houseguests on CBS’s hit summer reality show, Big Brother. While on Big Brother he’d formed a very close ‘bromance’ with fellow contestant, Frankie Grande. After their season they kept in touch for a few years, but when Frankie gave up waiting on Zach figuring out his sexuality and moved on, all contact between the two had ceased rather quickly. For a few months, the sudden loss had left Zach in somewhat of a depression, but eventually he moved on and dove head first into his new job as a radio show host on one of South Florida’s most popular morning shows.

 

Zach worked 60 hour weeks for that first year, just to get his mind off everything until finally one night about a year into his hosting gig, he turned on the television to find out that Frankie Grande was now one of the regular co-hosts of Entertainment Tonight. At first, Zach was frustrated and thought about turning the TV off with a mental note to never watch the show again, but instead he sat on the couch eyes locked on the screen, watching every move Frankie made. After that night it became almost a ritual for Zach to get home from his planning sessions at work and turn on the television to watch pointedly as Frankie lived out his dream on the small screen.

 

Nearly 3 years had passed and every night, Zach had watched Entertainment Tonight, and every night he’d smiled when Frankie did and laughed at all his jokes. To Zach it was almost as if their years of never speaking were void in those 30 minutes of each night. Zach would be lying if he said he didn’t miss Frankie, but he’d also be lying if he said he would do what he knew it would take to have Frankie back in his life. He was comfortable with his life in South Florida, still living in his childhood bedroom at his parents’ house in Palm Beach Gardens. Working 40 hour weeks at the radio station in West Palm Beach and spending as much time as he could with his younger brother who was going to be a senior in high school in a few months.

 

Zach got home from work on a Wednesday night when our story begins. He flipped the channel on the living room television to the one that would air E.T. in a few minutes and fumbled around the refrigerator in the kitchen until he found the beer he’d hidden in the back for a day just like that day. He’d had a long and stressful day at work. He had two co-hosts on his radio show and one of them was leaving for maternity leave the following week. They’d had a rather heated discussion about how they would handle her usual segments (pop culture updates mostly). Zach insisted he should do the segments, he knew everything about pop culture. He watched entertainment news shows every night in fact, but his fellow co-host said that would be unfair since Zach already was the lead on the show. They’d argued back and forth for a good two hours after the show ended until the station manager walked into their room and said that Zach was taking the segments because he knew the content better. After that, they still had the next day’s show to plan so Zach got home late. He’d been at the studio for nearly 12 hours by the time he left and it took another half hour to get home in the rush hour traffic.

 

By the time Zach returned to the sofa, the show had started, but someone was missing. Where was Frankie? It only took a few moments until Zach had his answer.

 

“We are sorry to report, that our co-host, Frankie Grande, has died in an apparent suicide early this morning in his Los Angeles home. Over to Cameron with the full story.”

 

Zach had a lump in his throat that he wasn’t sure would ever go away. He listened as Cameron recounted the early morning events at the Grande family’s California estate. “Frankie’s younger sister pop singer, Ariana Grande, had returned home from a late night out with friends to find Frankie alone in his bedroom. At first glance she thought he was merely sleeping. She stepped closer wanting to wish her brother goodnight until she was right next to the bed and noticed quickly that he wasn’t breathing. She immediately called 9-1-1 and attempted CPR. By the time the medics arrived, they found that Frankie had been dead for at least a couple hours, from an apparent overdose. They’d found three empty bottles of aspirin next to his bed and a stack of letters. The letters were addressed to those closest to him in his life: his mother, grandmother, sister, and mysteriously his former best friend, Zach Rance.”

 

The lump in Zach’s throat grew when he heard his name and suddenly his eyes were full of tears as the front door creaked open, his loud mouthed little brother and three of his friends entering after having spent the afternoon at the community pool. “When’s that over?” Peyton asked walking towards the sofa. “We want to play PS5 on the big screen.”

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Zach said flatly, wiping the tears from his eyes. He quickly got to his feet and without even remembering to pick up his still unopened beer from the table, closed himself in his bedroom with a loud slam of the door. Zach sniffed hard as he sat on the edge of his bed, his head fell into his hands and he sobbed. He wasn’t sure how long it went on for but he was pulled from his emotions when there was a loud knock on his bedroom door. “Go away,” he grumbled loudly, planting himself face-first into his pillow.

 

His mother had a habit of not listening to him however and opened the door slowly. “I guess you heard the news,” she said slowly.

 

“Yes, of course I heard the news. What do I do when I get home from work every day?”

 

“I know. I’m so sorry, honey. They said he wrote you a letter?”

 

“That’s what the girl on ET said. No one’s said anything to me about it though.”

 

“They’re probably just still processing what happened. Think about Ariana in all this. She must be devastated, having to be the one to find her brother like that. I wonder if they knew he was depressed.”

 

“Don’t talk about it, okay. I just want to be alone with my regrets and tears,” Zach said loudly, punching his pillow with a strong fist.

The next morning was the hardest thing Zach had ever done in his life. He had to go to work, knowing he had to do the pop culture update and knowing exactly what he needed to talk about, because it was all anyone seemed to be talking about. “Good morning, Palm Beach!” Zach said with his usual joy no longer evident in his voice. “I’m Zach Rance and this is ‘Wake Up, Shake Up.’ This morning I’m joined by Willie Wainwright and as you all know Gretchen is out on maternity leave as of today, so we wish her and her husband, Alex, all the best with their new baby who should be here any day now.” Willie cued the first song and Zach sat back in his chair with a long sigh. “I guess you heard then?” Zach said quietly.

 

“About?”

 

“Frankie,” Zach said, trying to remain calm, but failing more and more by the moment.

 

“Frankie who?”

 

“So you didn’t hear then. This is why I’m doing pop culture update while she’s out.”

 

“Frankie who? What happened?” Willie asked again.

 

“Frankie Grande. Ariana’s older brother.”

 

“What happened?” Willie asked again.

 

“Suicide. Yesterday. He overdosed on aspirin,” Zach said with a sharp inhale.

 

“Don’t you like know the Grandes or something?”

 

“Yes. Or well I used to know them. We haven’t spoken in years.”

 

“I’m sorry for the loss,” Willie said quietly. They drifted into silence as the second song of the morning played. “Pop culture is up next, do you know what you’re going to say?”

 

“I think so,” Zach mumbled as the third song came to an end. “Welcome back!” he announced as the music faded out. “It’s time for your Pop Culture Update, and with Gretchen being out, I’ll be taking over for her for the next few weeks. Top story in today’s update is the death of Frankie Grande, co-host of Entertainment Tonight and older brother of pop sensation, Ariana Grande. Yesterday morning he was found in his California home by his younger sister, not breathing and unresponsive. He was pronounced dead as soon as medics arrived on the scene. They found three empty aspirin bottles next to his bed and are calling the death a probable suicide.” Zach managed to get through the story without tears and turned the show over to Willie.

 

“As some of you may know, Zach was a personal friend of the Grande family for many years, so we hear at ‘Wake Up, and Shake Up,’ want to send him and the entire Grande family and circle of friends our deepest condolences,” Willie said quickly before sending the show to their first commercial break. The rest of the show went much smoother, even as a few callers called in to offer Zach condolences he didn’t feel he deserved.

 

Days passed and no one contacted Zach about the letter or about services for Frankie. He wondered if they ever would. He also didn’t hear anything more about the situation on ET or any other entertainment news program he watched. In the days following Frankie’s death, Zach had realized many things. The most overwhelmingly present of his feelings was definitely regret. He had loved Frankie once, in fact he may love him still, but it was too late. Why had he waited so long? Why hadn’t he just dove head first into the relationship that he knew would make him happiest? Why had he cared so much about what others might think?

 

About a week after Frankie’s death on a Thursday morning, Zach arrived at work to find he had a little stack of mail waiting. Most of it was just envelopes, more condolences he didn’t deserve from the listeners who didn’t know the whole story. And then there was a small bubble mailer without a return address, addressed in handwriting he almost thought he recognized. Zach set the package aside and got prepared for the show. It went off without a hitch and three hours later, Zach returned to his desk in the office and that mysterious package. He carefully opened in and pulled two things out. An envelope sealed shut with his name on the outside in unmistakable handwriting and a letter in the same tidy scrawl that the address was written.

 

_Zach,_

_We didn’t have a proper address for you, but we knew where you worked, so I hope this gets to you in time. Frankie wrote this letter to you before he died. We didn’t want to open it, but as it’s clearly for you, we decided to send it. We’re having a memorial service at Nonna’s house in Boca on the 26 th if you want to attend. You remember how to get there, I assume. The service will be from 4 to 6 in the afternoon. Hope to see you there, but don’t feel pressured to come if you’d rather not. I know you always loved my brother even if you didn’t quite know how to show it._

_Love Always,_

_Ariana_

He read Ariana’s letter over a few times before setting it aside and staring at the envelope that would contain Frankie’s letter. He thought better of it and set the letter with his things to take home after the planning meeting and headed down the hall to the meeting room. He and Willie went over plans for the following morning’s show. After the meeting, Zach hurried back to his office and picked up his things, including the envelope containing Frankie’s letter and the paper with Ariana’s letter containing the details of the memorial service.

 

Zach went to his car and quickly drove home, arriving almost a full half-hour earlier than he usually did since he hadn’t stopped for food or drink on the way. Zach went into his room, closing the door pointedly as he did and sat cross-legged on his bed. He read Ariana’s letter one more time before setting it aside and opening the envelope carefully as to preserve every bit of Frankie it might contain, even Zach’s name written on the outside.

 

Once the envelope was open two pieces of paper fell out. One was folded up and had a piece of tape holding it shut. In Frankie’s handwriting it said ‘only read this at the memorial’ and he had drawn a heart underneath. The comment alone made Zach wonder how long Frankie had been planning this. It made his wonder if there was anything he could have done to prevent it. As the tears threatened the corners of Zach’s eyes again he flipped open the other piece of paper.

 

_Dearest Zach,_

_I love you with all of my heart and all that I am. I always have since the moment we first met. I don’t want you to blame yourself for what has happened to me. We’re both better off this way. I always knew you loved me in some capacity but after years of waiting and then years of hating myself for not waiting longer, I’ve found myself in a place where I’m at the top of my game. I’d rather go out on top than have to live to never find happiness with someone. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I’m so sorry to put you through this. I love you more than words could ever say. Good-bye, my love._

_Forever yours,_

_Frankie_

Zach wept. He sobbed and sobbed. And when his mother tried to call him for dinner, he didn’t go and when his brother asked him to go to the driving range he didn’t go. Zach spent the rest of the evening into the night sobbing into his pillow until eventually he fell asleep. His alarm went off the next morning and he woke with a still heavy heart. He picked up Frankie’s letter from beside his pillow and tucked it into his shorts pocket before heading to work.

 

Zach somehow made it through the three hour broadcast without anyone noticing his emotional state and then the abbreviated planning meeting of Friday afternoons and Willie noticed something was off but knew better than to bring it up again. Zach went home and the first thing he did was flop face-first into his bed and spend another couple hours sobbing. After that, he found his nicest clothes to wear to the memorial service. He went with his family to his grandma’s house for Friday night supper and told them everything that had happened. Though he never let anyone else touch that letter. It was like his own little piece of Frankie that was just for him. Forever.

 

Saturday morning, Zach woke up at his usually time and spent an inordinate amount of time in the shower and then getting ready for the memorial service. He left the house just before 3:30, and headed south towards Boca Raton and Frankie’s Nonna’s house. By the time he arrived, the house was full of Frankie’s family and friends, most of whom Zach had known in the past but hadn’t spoken to in many years. In fact, the last time he saw Frankie was the last time he’d seen most of these people and that was nearly four years prior at Lauren and AJ’s wedding. When Zach walked into the room, everyone went silent for a long time. Ariana quickly came to his side and they shared a brief hug.

 

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Zach mumbled under his breath as they hugged.

 

“Thank you, Zach. It means everything to us that you’re here tonight.”

 

“I’m sure that’s not true, but thank you,” Zach said quietly as they drifted towards the crowd. Zach had both hands in his pockets as he approach the row where AJ and Lauren were sitting with a few of Frankie’s other New York friends. He sat on the aisle next to AJ and AJ clapped his shoulder once before the service began.

 

“Good evening, friends,” the speaker (leader of a local Kabballah Center) said quietly. “We are here tonight to remember the life of Frank James Michael Grande Marchione which ended tragically last Wednesday morning. “I ask now that Frankie’s immediate family come forward with their remarks.” Nonna and Joan both got to their feet in the front row and walked to the microphone. They told a few stories of young Frankie and a few more recent stories of how Frankie had settled down alone and how he enjoyed his job at ET but something was still missing. When they’d finished speaking, Ariana sang one of her ballads that she’d written for her brother and the speaker came back to the microphone.

 

“Now a few of Frankie’s closest friends would like to say a few words,” he said quietly. Lauren and Dominic both excused themselves from the row Zach was seated in and approached the front, being joined along the way by a third person Zach didn’t recognize. When they had finished speaking the leader said a prayer and then asked everyone to prepare to pay their last respects. Frankie’s family went first and then row by row the room of about a hundred moved forward towards the open casket where Frankie was lying.

 

Zach carefully pulled two pieces of paper out of his pocket as he got to his feet. The first was a letter he’d written Frankie, he planned on placing it in Frankie’s casket when it was his turn. The second was the second note Frankie had left him. Zach opened the paper and read a single sentence in Frankie’s handwriting written across the center.

 

_I love you more than life itself, never forget me._

Tears immediately began falling from the corners of Zach’s eyes, no matter how hard he tried to blink them away. He was careful to be the last person in line. He didn’t want anyone to know what he was leaving for Frankie for fear they may read it. So carefully after AJ had said his goodbyes and passed through the Grande women with his condolences, Zach stepped up to the casket. He smiled down at Frankie’s blank expression and his heart hurt. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Frankie’s forehead, whispering “I love you, too,” as he pulled away. Then he took the letter from his pocket and tried to carefully tuck it into Frankie’s hand, but as he tried to let go, he felt Frankie’s hand tighten around his and he stared with wide eyes as Frankie’s eyes opened and smile crossed his face.

 

“That’s all I needed to hear,” he whispered. Frankie sat up in the casket and crawled out. Everyone else in the room clapped and cheered, while Zach stood in stunned silence. “I’m sorry. Good job, everyone! There’s food on the patio you can help yourselves,” he announced as if what just happened was nothing at all. By the time Frankie had turned back to Zach his face was pale and his mouth was hanging opened, eyes locked on Frankie’s face. “One more chance, are you going to take it this time?” Frankie asked holding out a hand towards Zach.

 

“Yes,” Zach croaked as he took Frankie’s hand in his and raised it to his lips. “I’m sorry for all these years.”

 

“I am, too. The day I left, I regretted it the moment I got on the plane. I should have waited longer. I see now that I made a mistake, too.”

 

“You didn’t though. I was stubborn. It wasn’t until I heard the story of your death on ET last week that I realized how grave a mistake I made. When I read your letter I cried for hours. I wouldn’t even go out for dinner with my family, it hurt too much knowing you were gone and I would never know that happiness I had with you again.”

 

“Well, I’m glad it worked. Now let’s eat and someone has to tell the media that I’m not actually dead. Except ET already knows, I guess I’ll just call and have them release the press statement I set up before,” Frankie said as he linked his hand with Zach’s and pulled him towards the back doors that lead onto the patio.

 

**_Faking My Own Suicide_ **

**_Relient K_ **

****

_So I've made up my mind: I will pretend to leave this world behind, and in the end you'll know I've lied to get your attention. I'm faking my own suicide. I’m faking my own suicide because I know you love me, you just haven't realized. I'm faking my own suicide. They'll hold a double funeral because a part of you will die along with me._

  _I wish you thought that I was dead, so rather than me you'd be depressed instead, and before arriving at my grave you'd come to the conclusion: you've loved me all your days, but it's too late, too late for you to say because I'm faking my own suicide because I know you love me, you just haven't realized. I'm faking my own suicide. They'll hold a double funeral because a part of you will die along with me._

_I'll write you a letter that you'll keep, reminding you your love for me is more than six feet deep. You say aloud that you would've been my wife and right about that time is when I come back to life and let you know. I'd let you know that all along I was faking my own suicide because I know you loved me, you just never realized. I was faking my own suicide._

_I'll walk in that room and see your eyes open so wide. I've been so lost because you know. Because you know you will never leave my sight until the day that I die for the first time, and we'll laugh, yeah we'll laugh, and we will cry. So overjoyed with the love that saved my life. Our love is so alive._

 


End file.
